Thoughts in the Study Lounge

Seats are too mainstream.

Shut the fuck up, you awkwardly pierced bitch.

It's 7 PM and still light out :)

DONUTS :D

BWAHA no plug point for you, bitchy bitchface!

Don't want to go to Bombay.

Frozen iced tea?

Hungreeeee :'(

Academic snobbery ftw.

STOP COUGHING STOP IT

WE WERE HERE FIRST get off our stage.

Challenges

Maybe everyone goes through this. Or maybe they don't. I'm not one to wash my dirty linen in public, so I won't go into details about whatever the fuck is going on with my "friends." I'll just let you know that something is.

I wonder if being a foreigner has anything to do with it.

Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't.

Other Indians around me seem to be perfectly fine. They just hang out with each other.

The problem with me is, I'm probably not Indian enough to be content in an entire group of conservative Indians. I'm also not content enough to be in a group of supremely liberal Americans.

I just don't know what I want.

India Wins!

We won the world cup today (after 28 years!)

It was the best experience ever. Waking up at 4 AM, painting my face, going crazy  but never regretting a second of it.

Way to go, India!

Reflections

I came here with so many expectations.

I feel afraid to write about this stuff just because I tend to be closed and am generally NOT open to the idea of opening up my heart to the blogosphere. But my lonely spring break has given me a lot to think about.

For starters, why am I lonely?

Is it because I have no friends? No, of course I have friends. They're all just...just what? too busy? too rude? not close enough for me to actually say they're my friends? I don't know. When I'm with them, I feel like my freshman year has been a success. But I always see them hanging out without me, going out without me, occasionally forgetting me or talking about things I know nothing about. The fact is, I'm always going to be different no matter how hard I try to fit in. I'm from Bombay, which changes everything. I don't know when to call a dustbin a trashcan. I don't know when to spell flavour as flavor. I don't know that obligatory is pronounced awb-lig-uh-taw-ry and not aw-blig-ay-tuh-ry.

Maybe that's not the only thing that's wrong with me.

I'm frequently moody. Always tired. I always have SOMETHING to complain about. Yes, I have a lot of work, but doesn't everyone?! I'm insecure. Childish. I will say things that are unnecessarily mean and do things that I never in my life imagined myself doing. I'm not sure I'm happy with the person I've become. I like that I'm motivated and friendly, but I don't like that I'm occasionally introverted and often cranky.

Every day before I go to bed at night, I think about my day. I think about the moments I want to change. Why did I spend 10 minutes just playing Tetris while skyping my boyfriend?! I mean, who does that? It's rude and it detracts from the limited amount of time I even have with him. Why do I shun people that are only mildly annoying? Where did my years of patient tolerance go? Why am I not as much in touch with my friends even though I would love to be and have all the means? Why am I sloppy and inefficient when I know it won't get me anywhere? Why do I bitch about people I deeply care about? I really need to stop. I need to be worthy of everything I have. 

I regret all these things and then I continue to do them anyway.

I'm full of flaws, full of them. I'm full of unwarranted anxieties and unjustified apathy. And that's why I'm lonely.

Good Things

Last night, I went to a Sigma Alpha Omega frat house for a highlighter party. It was pretty fun, I met this fun guy named Mark who rewarded me with glow in the dark glasses for a witty comment I made about the ridiculousness of the act of grinding. I emerged with "I am an Indian hoebag" written on the back of my shirt (am I now?!) Probably some guy taking out his frustration over the fact that I refused to grind with him...oh well.

About an hour into it,  I was too tired and didn't feel like watching yet another hormone and alcohol explosion.

I stood and waited for the T to take me home for almost 45 minutes. The group waiting slowly began to drizzle away, and soon I was only left with a group of drunk fat men.

Obviously, I was scared. I didn't even have money to take a cab back.

But then, someone came out of the McDonald's opposite the T stop and stood and waited for the T with me. He asked me how long I'd been waiting, and I said I'd been waiting 40 minutes at least. He started talking to me, saying how he'd graduated from BC (OUR RIVAL!) and that he was now working in advertising and that I should check it out. He seemed friendly and nice enough. He was, however, much, MUCH older than me.

He suggested that we take a cab back together if the train doesn't come. I started praying for the train to come, scared to ride home with a stranger.

Eventually, the train didn't come and I hopped in a cab with him, wondering what would happen and if I was going to be okay.

And you know what?

It turned out he was an Indian from Mysore and lived in south Boston. His name was, as fate would have it, Akshay. (My brother's name.)

He didn't creep on me at all.

I was alone and I look defenseless, and all he seemed to be interested in was getting me home safely. He didn't even let me pay for the cab even though I insisted I could go to a nearby ATM and withdraw money. He kept the cab waiting right outside the entrance of my dorm until I was safe inside.

It's this kind of stuff that really makes life so wonderful. Just knowing that there are good people out there. There was no way I could have gotten home safely without this person.

God bless you, Akshay. 

Snow Day!

Beautiful but freezing in Boston.
All classes before 11 are cancelled!
YAY!