I came here with so many expectations.
I feel afraid to write about this stuff just because I tend to be closed and am generally NOT open to the idea of opening up my heart to the blogosphere. But my lonely spring break has given me a lot to think about.
For starters, why am I lonely?
Is it because I have no friends? No, of course I have friends. They're all just...just what? too busy? too rude? not close enough for me to actually say they're my friends? I don't know. When I'm with them, I feel like my freshman year has been a success. But I always see them hanging out without me, going out without me, occasionally forgetting me or talking about things I know nothing about. The fact is, I'm always going to be different no matter how hard I try to fit in. I'm from Bombay, which changes everything. I don't know when to call a dustbin a trashcan. I don't know when to spell flavour as flavor. I don't know that obligatory is pronounced awb-lig-uh-taw-ry and not aw-blig-ay-tuh-ry.
Maybe that's not the only thing that's wrong with me.
I'm frequently moody. Always tired. I always have SOMETHING to complain about. Yes, I have a lot of work, but doesn't everyone?! I'm insecure. Childish. I will say things that are unnecessarily mean and do things that I never in my life imagined myself doing. I'm not sure I'm happy with the person I've become. I like that I'm motivated and friendly, but I don't like that I'm occasionally introverted and often cranky.
Every day before I go to bed at night, I think about my day. I think about the moments I want to change. Why did I spend 10 minutes just playing Tetris while skyping my boyfriend?! I mean, who does that? It's rude and it detracts from the limited amount of time I even have with him. Why do I shun people that are only mildly annoying? Where did my years of patient tolerance go? Why am I not as much in touch with my friends even though I would love to be and have all the means? Why am I sloppy and inefficient when I know it won't get me anywhere? Why do I bitch about people I deeply care about? I really need to stop. I need to be worthy of everything I have.
I regret all these things and then I continue to do them anyway.
I'm full of flaws, full of them. I'm full of unwarranted anxieties and unjustified apathy. And that's why I'm lonely.
I feel afraid to write about this stuff just because I tend to be closed and am generally NOT open to the idea of opening up my heart to the blogosphere. But my lonely spring break has given me a lot to think about.
For starters, why am I lonely?
Is it because I have no friends? No, of course I have friends. They're all just...just what? too busy? too rude? not close enough for me to actually say they're my friends? I don't know. When I'm with them, I feel like my freshman year has been a success. But I always see them hanging out without me, going out without me, occasionally forgetting me or talking about things I know nothing about. The fact is, I'm always going to be different no matter how hard I try to fit in. I'm from Bombay, which changes everything. I don't know when to call a dustbin a trashcan. I don't know when to spell flavour as flavor. I don't know that obligatory is pronounced awb-lig-uh-taw-ry and not aw-blig-ay-tuh-ry.
Maybe that's not the only thing that's wrong with me.
I'm frequently moody. Always tired. I always have SOMETHING to complain about. Yes, I have a lot of work, but doesn't everyone?! I'm insecure. Childish. I will say things that are unnecessarily mean and do things that I never in my life imagined myself doing. I'm not sure I'm happy with the person I've become. I like that I'm motivated and friendly, but I don't like that I'm occasionally introverted and often cranky.
Every day before I go to bed at night, I think about my day. I think about the moments I want to change. Why did I spend 10 minutes just playing Tetris while skyping my boyfriend?! I mean, who does that? It's rude and it detracts from the limited amount of time I even have with him. Why do I shun people that are only mildly annoying? Where did my years of patient tolerance go? Why am I not as much in touch with my friends even though I would love to be and have all the means? Why am I sloppy and inefficient when I know it won't get me anywhere? Why do I bitch about people I deeply care about? I really need to stop. I need to be worthy of everything I have.
I regret all these things and then I continue to do them anyway.
I'm full of flaws, full of them. I'm full of unwarranted anxieties and unjustified apathy. And that's why I'm lonely.
Your full of flaws just like anybody else. And with everything that's wrong, you still do such a good job of keeping it together. This is just a phase and I know you'll be okay. I'll always be here for you. The people that love you? We love you, flaws and all. You can't get rid of me easily, don't worry. :)
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