I came here with so many expectations.
I feel afraid to write about this stuff just because I tend to be closed and am generally NOT open to the idea of opening up my heart to the blogosphere. But my lonely spring break has given me a lot to think about.
For starters, why am I lonely?
Is it because I have no friends? No, of course I have friends. They're all just...just what? too busy? too rude? not close enough for me to actually say they're my friends? I don't know. When I'm with them, I feel like my freshman year has been a success. But I always see them hanging out without me, going out without me, occasionally forgetting me or talking about things I know nothing about. The fact is, I'm always going to be different no matter how hard I try to fit in. I'm from Bombay, which changes everything. I don't know when to call a dustbin a trashcan. I don't know when to spell flavour as flavor. I don't know that obligatory is pronounced awb-lig-uh-taw-ry and not aw-blig-ay-tuh-ry.
Maybe that's not the only thing that's wrong with me.
I'm frequently moody. Always tired. I always have SOMETHING to complain about. Yes, I have a lot of work, but doesn't everyone?! I'm insecure. Childish. I will say things that are unnecessarily mean and do things that I never in my life imagined myself doing. I'm not sure I'm happy with the person I've become. I like that I'm motivated and friendly, but I don't like that I'm occasionally introverted and often cranky.
Every day before I go to bed at night, I think about my day. I think about the moments I want to change. Why did I spend 10 minutes just playing Tetris while skyping my boyfriend?! I mean, who does that? It's rude and it detracts from the limited amount of time I even have with him. Why do I shun people that are only mildly annoying? Where did my years of patient tolerance go? Why am I not as much in touch with my friends even though I would love to be and have all the means? Why am I sloppy and inefficient when I know it won't get me anywhere? Why do I bitch about people I deeply care about? I really need to stop. I need to be worthy of everything I have.
I regret all these things and then I continue to do them anyway.
I'm full of flaws, full of them. I'm full of unwarranted anxieties and unjustified apathy. And that's why I'm lonely.
I feel afraid to write about this stuff just because I tend to be closed and am generally NOT open to the idea of opening up my heart to the blogosphere. But my lonely spring break has given me a lot to think about.
For starters, why am I lonely?
Is it because I have no friends? No, of course I have friends. They're all just...just what? too busy? too rude? not close enough for me to actually say they're my friends? I don't know. When I'm with them, I feel like my freshman year has been a success. But I always see them hanging out without me, going out without me, occasionally forgetting me or talking about things I know nothing about. The fact is, I'm always going to be different no matter how hard I try to fit in. I'm from Bombay, which changes everything. I don't know when to call a dustbin a trashcan. I don't know when to spell flavour as flavor. I don't know that obligatory is pronounced awb-lig-uh-taw-ry and not aw-blig-ay-tuh-ry.
Maybe that's not the only thing that's wrong with me.
I'm frequently moody. Always tired. I always have SOMETHING to complain about. Yes, I have a lot of work, but doesn't everyone?! I'm insecure. Childish. I will say things that are unnecessarily mean and do things that I never in my life imagined myself doing. I'm not sure I'm happy with the person I've become. I like that I'm motivated and friendly, but I don't like that I'm occasionally introverted and often cranky.
Every day before I go to bed at night, I think about my day. I think about the moments I want to change. Why did I spend 10 minutes just playing Tetris while skyping my boyfriend?! I mean, who does that? It's rude and it detracts from the limited amount of time I even have with him. Why do I shun people that are only mildly annoying? Where did my years of patient tolerance go? Why am I not as much in touch with my friends even though I would love to be and have all the means? Why am I sloppy and inefficient when I know it won't get me anywhere? Why do I bitch about people I deeply care about? I really need to stop. I need to be worthy of everything I have.
I regret all these things and then I continue to do them anyway.
I'm full of flaws, full of them. I'm full of unwarranted anxieties and unjustified apathy. And that's why I'm lonely.
